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The wheatstone bridge is a lovely stone bridge, nestled among the vines and roses of Wheatstone-upon-Brock. Snuff salesmen, postmen, penny-farthing trials riders and general toffs can all be found promenading along its quaint, moss-encrusted cobbles. Meet Jack Stepwarber, whose daily suicide attempts from this very bridge provide mild entertainment for the Local Peeping-Toms' Club, which regularly holds its binocular-centric picnics on the river bank below. Within the bridge is a secret passage - a refuge for the Society of Advanced Sciences, who can perform their SETI projects and do their Calculus homework safe in the knowledge that they won't be exposed and burned at the stake.
Found by the town's inhabitants on ebay for the indecently low price of 3 shillings, with a postage and packaging cost of £300, the brdige was installed via derigible in 1705. Since then, many have enjoyed its thrills and spills, its highs and lows, tea and cakes by day, acid and neon by night.
Tourists flock from all over to catch a glimpse of this most mundane of attractions, and their attempts to bypass the £199 entry fee have caused the council to install a high-tech security fence - draped in climbing plants, of course - along the perimeter of Wheatstone. But this doesn't stop the barbaric peoples of the rest of the world. Their constant burrowing is sportingly thwarted by underground automated cattle-prods and ever-alert machine-gun turrets.
Despite these squabbles, the Wheatstoners are a humble lot, with an integrity rivalling a carbon-fibre scaffold, and cheery as a cheshire cheesemonger.
Plum Out.
-krring
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